


Nothing

by Victory4



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fighting, He says stuff thats absolutely one of the worst things he could say... sorry, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Stress, Yelling, isak is kinda a little shit in this, it has a happy ending i promise, mentions of past bipolar episodes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-05 01:50:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12784356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Victory4/pseuds/Victory4
Summary: Both Isak and Even knew it was an accident the moment it happened.And both knew that neither....or rather BOTH of them, were to blame.But at that moment, it didn't matter. Logic, reasoning, and being realistic; didn't matter.What mattered is that it opened the cap to unleash the building chaos.orIsak and Even get into one of the biggest fights of their relationship.





	Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> hellllooooo
> 
> i promise this isn't as angsty as I originally planned out. I spent a while writing and deleting and writing and deleting. I dunno. I couldn't find the proper tone for it. But then this all spilled out so, hopefully its alright?
> 
> Now, I am not bipolar. But my mum is, and i took things that I've witnessed with her illness and applied it to this. So forgive me if i don't portray things correctly.
> 
> PLEASE NOTE: I switch POV's in this, and just know that they take place at the same time as the other before coming together in the final scene.
> 
> Also, in this fic; let us pretend that people don't save important things onto hardrives or icloud or whatever like us normal people do okay? :)
> 
> annnnd I realise this may seem quite drastic and over dramatic but OH WELL.
> 
> (for those of you who are reading my RPF, the next chapter is coming up very soon. Thanks for being patient)
> 
> Apologies and enjoy. xx

Both Isak and Even knew it was an accident the moment it happened.  
And both knew that neither....or rather BOTH of them, were to blame. 

But at that moment, it didn't matter. Logic, reasoning, and being realistic; didn't matter.

What mattered is that it opened the cap to unleash the building chaos.

\--

It had been a stressful couple of weeks.  
Actually, stressful seems like a tame word for how close to their breaking points Isak and Even have been pushed in their respective university course finals.

For two weeks: they come home, Isak studies, Even works on his film project. Even goes to work, Isak pouring over research, writing his dissertation. Even comes home, continues on his project, Isak still writes.

At first, Even would leave food for Isak to eat before he heads to work; but as the deadline got closer, he started running out of time to prep food for him.  
At first, he would get concerned that Isak wasn't eating enough; but again, as time ticked on, his mind was only whirling of edits and cutting scenes and lighting and music. He would even bring his laptop to KB and work on it during his breaks.  
And its not like Isak was helpless, he would eat. It would just be something he could grab and eat while writing and studying. Even would come home and see crisp wrappers and energy drink cans littered on their kitchen counter and table. He would feel the sliver of guilt rise before his mind suddenly springs a new camera angle to try and that moment passes, the guilt forgotten.

And yeah, they both knew their sleeping schedules were fucked. Even passing out, fully clothed, on top of their bed. Isak, staying up until the sun was barely leaking onto their windowsill before falling onto bed next to him.

They hadn't had sex in over 12 days; a record for them. (Minus when Even has a depressive episode.) The only time they kiss is when Even leaves for work, and when he comes home. And sadly, its mostly due to that being routine. And right now, neither boy could tell you whether its on the lips or the cheek. Which should've been the biggest red flag of all.  
And it's not like they don't talk either, they do. It's short sentences.

"Going to work."

"Bring home some more Redbull, please."

or

"How's editing going?"

"Fucking hate it. This is why editors exist; so that they can do this shit."

or

"Did you know that there is actually no proper way to answer why our brains are able to initiate and accomplish the process of thinking?"

"Facsinating, baby."

It's just they're both so concentrated on their finals, it's consuming them. Taking over.

And they both sensed this as each day passed. That as they grew closer and closer to their deadlines; the tension rose. The atmosphere became thicker. The (lack of)conversations becoming nonexistent. The sounds filling up their flat only came from Isak's endless typing and Even's continuous mouse clicking.

Each boy was so on edge, so engulfed in their own personal vortex; that they ignored it.

They ignored it.

Until it became suffocating.  
And it shattered on them.

\--

It was the night before they both had to turn in their work the next morning.

Isak was on page 198 of his 200 page dissertation on the brain.  
Even was splicing the last pieces of music for the credits on his final film project.

Both of them had about an hour of work left before completion.

The upcoming explosion should've been expected.

"Hey baby I'm going to refill the coffee. Want some?" Even asks, getting up from their bed. "Decaf though. We both should get sleep tonight." He comes over and stands next to Isak who is sitting at their table, hunched over his laptop, typing away.

"Mm." Isak grunts out before groaning and slamming down on the delete button.His eyes not once leaving his screen.

"Isak?" Even tries again, watching his boyfriend grumble and start back up typing. He lets out a sigh and grabs Isak's empty mug and heads into their kitchen.

As the coffee brews, Even comes back into their bedroom. He grabs his laptop and sets it on the table, adjacent to Isaks. Bending over, he clicks and drags the mouse for a minute more before hearing the coffee machine beep and turning back into the kitchen to fix up their drinks. He takes a mug in each hand, and walks back in.

The next 25 seconds are a slow motion blur.  
And the thoughts always start with the 'shouldn't haves' to displace reality. 

I shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have done that. Why did he do that? I shouldn't have said that. 

But its the facts that are the most painful to face and accept.

Even SHOULD have been paying attention. He SHOULD have noticed the dark circles under Isak's eyes, the way he hasn't said more than 10 words to him all day, the way he's ignored him. Even got too close, it startled Isak.

Isak SHOULD have been paying attention. He SHOULD have listened and processed that Even was grabbing him coffee. He SHOULD have been expecting it. He SHOULD have been taking better care of himself to not jump when he catches Even from the corner of his eyes.

A blur.

Even's eyes were trained to his laptop as he walks back into the room. He could tell that the credits edit bar was 2 seconds longer than when the song editing bar finishes. Internally groaning, he didn't realise he was so close to Isak that he was about to topple onto him.  
Isak noticed Even the moment before Even almost falls onto him. Isak shoots out of the chair with a yelp. His movement caused his left shoulder to hit the full mugs and knock them out of Even's hands.

"FUCK!"

They both watch with horror as the mugs fell onto their laptops.  
Isak's keyboard getting pounded by the heavy object, having it swim in dark brown liquid, having it seep through every crevice. The screen glitches and goes black as the mug finally settles. The weight landing on the edge causing the laptop to fall onto Isak's chair; the top half of his laptop breaks away from the keyboard.  
The other mug had hit the corner of Evens, not only spilling coffee onto it, but also knocking it off of the table. It falls with a loud CRACK. The top half bending back at an unusual angle, pieces of keyboard scattering across their floor. 

The silence lasts minutes, hours, years.

Isak can't breathe. He can't think. All he can do is stare, unblinking at the disaster.  
All of his work, the research, his paper, gone.

Even brings a hand up and pulls it through his hair. "oh...oh my god." He mutters, his eyes glued to his destroyed laptop. HIs film, his creation, completely ruined. 

At his voice, Isak snaps his head up. "What....." He growls, his hands shaking. "What the FUCK were you thinking??" 

Even's own head jerks up. "What do you mean what was I thinking?" He clenches his jaw. 

"Why did you have to get coffee?!" Isak yells. "FUCK! Even!" He brings his hands up to his face. "I was ALMOST DONE!" He can feel tears burning behind his eyes.

"I didn't do this on purpose!" Even yells back. "Don't pin this on me. You're the one who bumped me!"

Isak drops his hands and glares at his boyfriend. "No. This isn't my fault. Don't you dare say it was." Emotions start layering inside of him, he can feel words wanting to explode out. 

Even rubs a hand over his eyes. "Isak..." He groans, still in disbelief at what happened. "Fuck. I was almost done too. FUCK!" He shouts out. "Two fucking weeks of work-" 

"Well, maybe if you came home more, you would've had more time to get it done." Isak spits.

Even lowers his hand, his eyebrows raised at Isak's words. That came out of nowhere. "What the fuck do you mean by that?"

Isak scoffs and looks away, "Forget about it."

"No." Even snaps back. "No, you had a reason why you said it, what did you mean?" Even takes a small step closer to Isak, arms folded.

Straightening up, Isak faces Even, his hands curled into fists at his side. "I meant that if you came home straight from work instead of lingering around flirting with Lukas, you would've had more time to get your fucking film done."

Even looks at him in disbelief. "You think I flirt with Lukas?"

"I KNOW you do! He flirts with you all the time! " Isak spits back. 

"I don't-"

"Don't lie to me, Even!" Isak cuts in, his chest heaving.

Even closes his eyes, breathing in deep, letting his arms fall to his side. "I'm not lying. I don't flirt with Lukas, Isak. I don't know what you're on about with this."

Isak feels the stinging return in his eyes and he blinks to lessen the sensation. "You know what? It doesn't fucking matter." 

"Obviously it does if you're bringing it up." Even bites, unable to keep the annoyance out of his tone. "Go ahead. What is it? Do you not trust me?"

"I do." Came Isak's immediate response.

Even laughs humourlessly. "Mm. Clearly." He watches as Isak avoids looking at his face. "Why don't you trust me?" 

A pause.

"You cheated on Sonja with me. Who's to say you won't cheat on me?" Isak states coldly, finally staring at Even with his mouth set in a hard line.

Even's mouth drops slightly open, feeling like he got punched in the chest. "You.." He looks down and licks his lips as ice fills his body. "You think I would cheat on you?" He slowly raises his head to meet those green eyes he fell in love with; eyes that are rimmed with red. 

Isak runs a hand through his hair. "Fuck...I..I don't know what I think." He sighs. "You've done it before." Each word he utters feels like adding weight to his shoulders.

Anger flares inside Even again. "That was different. YOU were different. You know that." He grits out. 

Even's words unleash something inside of Isak and it all comes tumbling out. "Do i? Because how am I supposed to know that you're not flirting back with him? Repeating the whole process you did with me hmm?? Telling him some sob story of how 'your boyfriend hasn't given you sex in weeks' or telling him that 'my boyfriend is controlling' because I'm the one that wanted to stay in this shithole of a flat until we graduated!" Isak feels the heat of tears fall down his cheeks but he continues. "Or how about that I refused to get a job because it was going to interfere with my studies and how you had to pick up extra shifts! And now even MORE shifts because both of our fucking laptops are broken and now we have to buy new ones!" A sob escapes him and he tries to swallow it down. He drops his gaze to the floor, lowering his voice. "Do you tell him that I'm the one holding you back?" He sniffs. "So no, Even, I don't know that."

Even's eyes are wet, his mouth is open and his arms are lifeless at his side. He stares at his boyfriend, finally taking in his appearance. Seeing everything he's missed, everything he didn't notice. His mind is churning, his heart breaking. He clears his throat. "Baby, you are-"

A mirthless laugh comes out of Isak. "No." He shakes his head at Even. "No, don't call me baby right now."

"Isak, I didn't know you felt like this. Why didn't you talk to me?" Evens words come out cautiously, knowing that he's treading fragile ground. 

Isak flares up, feeling like Even see's him as weak. Like he's not capable. "I'm not defenseless. I can handle my shit." Something inside of him burns. 

Even blinks wildly, desperately trying to keep up. "I'm not saying you are. I'm saying-" 

"What about you, Even? Hmm. Have you told him about you?" Isak doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to hear the truth and the sense. He feels shattered, too many pieces from the stress and anxieties of the last two weeks to put back together tonight. Isak is numb. "Have you told him you're bipolar? Told him that you lose your goddamn mind for few days, sometimes destroying our flat and fucking me until you crash and you can barely get out of bed for the next month?" and the moment the words leave his tongue, Isak's mouth drops in horror of what he just said.

Everything inside Even, stops. He doesn't know if he is breathing, doesn't know if he's even still standing. His eyes shut. He can't feel. All he knows is that Isak's words are seeping into his skin; making their way to that locked room in his mind where his worst thoughts are kept. The thoughts that he knows aren't true but...also knows that they are.  
The pain flows through his veins when he becomes aware of Isak touching him.

"Even. Even. Even." Isak had grasped onto Even's face. "Baby, I"m sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry." Isak is breathing quickly, almost hyperventilating. "I didn't mean to say that. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Even, Please look at me." Isak sobs, his whole body trembling, terrified he finally fucked it up for good.

Even takes in a deep breath, trying to get ahold of himself. Nothing good will come if he breaks now. He just needs to get air immediately. Another deep breath; steadies himself, and opens his eyes. He see's Isak's tear-stained face, inches from his own; takes in the messed up curls and his eyes red and bloodshot. And Even hurts, hurts so much from those words.  
He brings up his hands and gently places them on Isak's cheeks pushing him away. He holds him there for a moment, taking in every curve and line of Isak's face. The face that still takes his breath away, the face of the love of his life, the face of the boy who saved him. And Even knows all of this. He knows they're meant to be together, through the hateful words and all. But right now, he needs to take care of himself first. 

Even lets out a sigh, "I can't talk to you when we're both like this. I'm going to go." He takes a step away from Isak and goes to grab his jacket. 

Isak stands in shock. "What?" He stutters out, his heart dropping as he watches Even zip up his jacket; his worst nightmares coming to light.

Even doesn't look back, moving towards their front door.

"EVEN!" Isak screams, forcing his frozen legs to follow him. "Please. Don't go. I'm sorry. D-don't leave me. Please." Isak is blubbering over his words, his vision blurring. 

Even slips his shoes on before finally turning towards Isak. His heart cracking as he takes in the sight of him. Reaching out, he pulls Isak to his chest, placing a kiss to his forehead.  
"I'm not leaving you." He breathes. " We just both need to calm down." He lets go and softly pushes Isak off of him. 

The dismissal touch causes anger to rise up once again through Isak's veins. "FINE! Leave! Fucking leave me! Everyone always does!" He breaks, backing further from Even.

Pausing at the door, Even turns to him, "I'm not leaving you, Isak." He repeats, his voice laced with pain, a tear falling down his cheek.

"FUCKING GO! If you're going to leave, JUST LEAVE!" Isak yells, tears streaming down his face, his hands clenched and shaking.

Even opens the door and steps through, before stopping once more and glancing back. "I love you." and shuts the door.

\--

Isak stares at their closed door; the flat silent save for his ragged breathing, trying to process everything that just happened.

He wills the door to open, for Even to appear back through it.  
He can't believe Even left. Even...his protector, his stability, his heart, his life...gone.

Isak see's one of their glass cups on the counter and grabs it. "MOTHER FUCKER!!" He shouts as he throws it at their closed door.

He watches it shatter with a crash, seeing all the pieces explode. He's filled with the desire to throw their reason for all of this shit, their fucking laptops, out of their bedroom window. Wants to watch IT shatter as well. He storms to their bedroom and moves towards the messes on the floor when something glints and catches his eye. He stops. And stares, transfixed.

It was one of the first pictures they ever took as a couple, over 3 years ago. And actually, it was taken without their knowledge by Eskild. When he gave it to them for Christmas, Isak remembers Eskild saying, 'This, baby gay, is who you are, and who you were always meant to be.'

Isak slowly walks up to their bedside table and picks it up, unable to stop the smile spreading on his face.  
Isak and Even were standing in the kollectives kitchen. They had had a little party that night with all of their friends and Isak and Even went into the kitchen to grab more snacks for everyone.  
Eskild must have been hidden in the doorway because he was far enough away that he got their full bodies in the shot. Isak was sitting on the counter with Even standing between his legs. Even's hands were on Isak's thighs with Isak's hands on Even's chest. He had captured them the moment after Even had made a joke of switching Jonas's beer to see if he would notice and Isak had said that Jonas would know the moment they would walk back into the room. Even's face was a full-faced laugh, eyes crinkling with his head tilted slightly back with his boisterous laugh. Isak's face was pure love, contentment, wonder. His eyes filled with adoration as he gazed at Even laughing, a slight grin on his own face. It was like he was taking in everything that Even was, letting him fill him up; to be whole...yet marveling at his own life, that he got to have something like this, to have him. 

Isak remembers tearing up when he first saw the picture, giving Eskild a hug and muttering a thank you. He remembers Even staring at the picture for a long time, never blinking. Remembers Even asking softly, "Is this how you see me?" As if he too, couldn't believe it.

The picture becomes blurry as tears flow down Isak's face.  
He's so fucking stupid. How could he have said that to Even? How could he have said those hurtful words to the one person who's made him feel alive? Who brought light to him..who made him want to start living only after he came into his life.

Even deserves so much better.

Isak grips the picture tighter.  
He did this to himself. He hurt Even. He let fatigue and stress over a fucking paper take control of him and lash out. He was just so angry. Angry about writing his paper, angry about Even's film project, angry about having it cut so much into their life when all he wanted was to spend time with Even; angry about being worried about Even's coworker, angry about seeing everything he worked on being destroyed, angry at how calm and stable Even seemed to be about the catastrophe.  
So he allowed his angry insomniac mind to say what he thought would hurt the most. And it did. 

Isak closes his eyes and presses the picture to his chest.  
How could Even want to be with him after he said those words? What he said is unforgivable. It doesn't matter that he didn't mean them, he said it. Thats what counts. He still fucking said it. God, he is pathetic. He ruins everything, always has, always will. And everyone always leaves.  
Its his fault.

Jerking as if the picture burned him, Isak pulls it away from him, running his eyes over every familiar detail. It's their favourite picture of them. Even had put the frame in the corner of their bedroom when they first moved into this flat and didn't have furniture yet. He simply had said, "It's us. and it completes our home." 

And now Isak has broken them, broken their home.

His gaze catches the mess of laptops and coffee on the floor, lets himself look at it. He knows it was an accident, he's well known with how shitty life can hand you things.  
But he shouldn't have exploded like that. Shouldn't have unleashed all his stress and doubts and anxieties onto Even.

Maybe he really is weak.

A suppressed memory flashes through him and he hears his fathers words before he can stop it.

_'C'mon Isak, i know you're gay now but crying because of a movie?' He waves a hand vaguely.'Thats so...I dunno....weak. I raised you to be tougher than that.' He glanced around. 'So toughen up. I don't want to run into someone and have them see how sissy my son has become.'_

"I'm not!" Isak yells out loud and throws the picture frame before realising what he'd just done. He watches in horror as it smashes against their wall, the glass breaking and the picture getting crumbled and torn by the shattered shards. It flutters to the floor. 

Isak collapses to his knees, sobs heaving out of his body. "Even.." he whispers. "Even I'm sorry.."

He sits there, a pile on the floor, the chaos of the night scattered around him.  
After his cries subside, he forces himself to crawl over to the ruined picture. He gently picks it up. Its torn, has a few scratches, but at least its in one piece. He brings it closer to his face. At least you can still see Even's laughing face and Isak's looking at his entire world face and...

And even though there are now scratches and slight tears along it, the amount of love radiating between them is still apparent.  
Isak feels his heartbeat and it feel like its the first time it has since Even left.

He stands up quickly, walking over to the opposite wall, where they'd hung more pictures. Isak looks at each of them, one by one. The ones of Isak looking at Even, Even looking at Isak. Them laughing, posing, smiling, kissing.  
As Isak stared at them all, he could feel it. Feel their love for each other in every single picture. Memories burst in him as he grazed over them, they should've been distracting, but all he could focus on was how they managed to convey such emotions towards each other in each of these.  
They looked at each other like the other was all that mattered, that nothing meant more to them than just to be with each other.

Even is all that matters. Even is his world, the boy who saved him. Nothing should jepordise that. Nothing should come between them.  
Not some paper, not some petty jealous thoughts, not stress, not any worldly possessions.  
No. Thing.  
Nothing.  
His love for Even is infinite, nothing will ever change that.

Isak isn't weak. He never has been. Being with Even helped him see that. Helped him see that his father was wrong.  
His father was always wrong. Wrong about his mum. Wrong about leaving. Wrong about him.

Everyday, Isak and Even face battles of their own minds, their own doubts. And everyday, they build each other up. Supporting the other. Holding each other. Loving each other.  
Almost like one can't fully function without the other. Even needs him just as much as he needs Even.  
They've each found their person, soulmate, love of their life.

Isak hears Even's voice whisper words he so often says, "I see you, Isak...and you're stronger than you know."

Isak isn't weak.

And he's not going to allow himself to ruin them, he's not going to ruin what they have.  
He's a fucking idiot, a grumpy boy who's quick to anger and lashes out.  
But Even is his everything and more. 

He fought for Even once, those years ago. Left his parents and ran to him. Took him into his arms. Never alone. 

His father is wrong.

Yes, some things are Isak's fault. But he is the one with the choice to how he responds to it. And yes, most of the time, the toxic thoughts in his mind cause him to give in.  
But this is Even, its always Even and it will always be Even. and that is something he will never stop fighting for. 

Isak knows he fucked up, knows his words caused pain. The reminder causes knife-sharp pain dragged into his chest.  
He has to make this right. Fuck his paper, fuck his laptop. Even is worth it all.

Isak tears his eyes away from their smiling faces and pulls out his phone from his pocket, pressing Even's number and putting the phone against his ear.  
He lowers it when he hears Even's phone ring from somewhere on the bed. Fuck, Even left his phone.

He scrambles around, grabbing socks and shoving them on his feet before pulling a hoodie over his head. He makes his way towards the door, tiptoeing over broken glass everywhere. Sliding his shoes on, he rips the door open and slams it behind him.

Taking the stairs two at a time, as soon as he hits the bottom floor, Isak is running. Through the doors, onto the sidewalk, down the street.  
There's only a few handful of places where Isak knows Even would be. He slows down for a moment, clearing his mind, trying to decide where Even would go to first. 

_"It's just one of my favourite places." Even shrugs. "It's the best place to sit and think and draw." He smiles. "Plus, the memories it holds are special to me."_

Isak picks up his pace, his course set. He knows that he'll be there. 

His heart is pounding as he gets near. His skin is aching to feel Even's touch. Desperate to see his face. He can't breathe.

Turning the last corner, Isak flings himself through the courtyard gate, shouting. "Even!" 

\---

Even collapses down against the door, dropping his face into his hands.

He half hopes Isak will open it, half terrified that he might.

Fuck...How did it escalate to this?

He jumps and his head jerks up as he hears Isak yell. "MOTHER FUCKER!" 

Then he feels something getting thrown at the door, hearing it break. Something made of glass.

His eyes start stinging. He knows Isak will break down. And he feels guilt rush through him joining the thought that he can't be here to hear it.

Even stands up, and hurries down the stairs, not looking back once.

As soon as he steps outside, he takes a breath of the cold air, closing his eyes for a moment.

How did it even get so far to this point? Was it really just the amount of stress over the last couple of weeks? Were there signs of other factors adding to Isak's stress that Even had missed?

The last thought pulls a self-loathing snort from Even and he opens his eyes.  
Taking in his surroundings, he angles his body and starts walking; not really a destination in mind, but he needs to move, to feel.

Its not like he and Isak don't fight, because they do. They argue a healthy amount, you could say. They argue about typical things, for them at least; money, work, Even's meds, Isak's insomnia, laundry, dishes. Always something that one of them brings up, they discuss, maybe yell a little bit, but always come to a resolution. Because both Even and Isak never want to go to bed angry; that's just not for them. Their bed in their haven, where both belong.  
But never, has one of them left. And never....has one of them said something so blatantly hurtful.

Even sighs and his eyes gaze to the ground; his feet continuing moving down the road, barely paying attention.  
He's seen Isak lose control, seen Isak blow up. But never has that ever been directed at him.

He knows Isak didn't mean it. He knows that. But it still hurts. And it still causes his doubts to fill his mind, start intertwining with the truths. Greying the areas, making it difficult to tell the difference.  
Even knows his bipolar doesn't define him. He knows that he's not a burden to Isak; that Isak is willingly with him, that Isak wants to be with him.  
Doesn't he?

Even lifts his head in frustration and notices that he's walking right pass his work. He stops.

He looks into the darkened coffee shop, remembering how he was here just hours earlier; smiling, almost relaxed, knowing that he was going to finish his project tonight. Lukas had been telling him that this was the first time he's seen him laugh in days.  
Lukas.

Even sets his jaw and forces himself to keep moving, tearing his gaze back to focus on nothing as he walks. 

Where the fuck did Isak get any notion that he is into Lukas? Lukas is nothing to Even. He is just his coworker, someone Even gets along with while working. And thats it. From Lukas's first day, Even made sure that he knew that Even was off limits; due to the fact that Even couldn't stop talking about Isak for any length of time.  
Which clauses another factor in his confusion. How could Isak think that he flirts with Lukas? Yeah sure, Even can be a harmless flirt sometimes; but its never enough to lead on, never enough to plant hope in someone. The reason being simple; why would he flirt with anyone when he has Isak to come home to? Who he gets to share a bed with every night. Isak, the most beautiful boy, who is his.

Even understands that Isak has insecurities. He knows first-hand about how jealous Isak can get; he has enough nightmares about Isak's bloodied face outside of Syng. But this, this took him by surprise. He honestly has no idea where Isak got that idea from. Even has never flirted with Lukas. And that is a truth he can grasp onto. A definitive in this fucking argument.  
And he will listen to what Isak has to say about it, hear the explaination, and he will sooth Isak's unnecessary fears. 

One part down. Even thinks bitterly. The worst one to go.  
A tall, white building catches his eye and he slows down, a soft smile growing. Of course his mind would bring him here after a fight with Isak. Since this is the place where Isak and him began.  
He shoves his hands into his coat pockets and crosses through the gate, making his way towards that familiar bench. Their bench.

A sigh escapes him as soon as he sits down on it, the air coming out in a white wisp. This is one of Even's favourite places to be. He often finds himself coming here to sit, to think or draw or remember or forget. Its a comfort. A place where he was reborn. The foundation where he opened his eyes and reemerged into finally seeing what life was about. That life is more than him, or his illness or his past guilts.  
This bench brought him Isak. That life, HIS life, is in Isak.

A tear falls unknowingly down his cheek and Even lets it.  
Isak's words fall back over his skin, piercing it into fresh wounds.  
Even isn't blind. He's seen the aftermath of when he's manic in places all over their flat; one of their chairs covered in drawings with a permanent marker; the corner of their kitchen wall painted over with suns and stars; handles broken, vases broken, appliances broken.  
Isak, broken. 

Pain fills Even and he chokes out a sob.  
He hates it. He hates that he loses control. That he can't help it. That he can't claim his mind, can't find himself in those moments. Hates himself.  
Hates that he hurts Isak.

Isak had never said it before. Never let on, never fed into that gnawing sensation under Even's skin that it really wasn't okay.  
Isak has reassured him time and time again, that it was something he could handle; having Even fuck him until Even enivitably crashes. The first time it happened, Even saw the bruises and had to throw up in the bin next to the bed. Isak immediately placated him, calming him with words of determination, of comfort that he was okay. That Isak knew what he was doing, he was fine.

Isak is clearly not fine if he brought it up in the heat of a moment argument.

Even brings up his hand and rubs a palm into his eye, trying to stop the tears.  
Isak shouldn't have to deal with anything like this. Like anyone like him. Isak deserve so much better. Isak deserves the world and more. 

He allows more tears to spill before sniffing and leaning his head back and staring up at the sky.  
Their countless talks of parallel universes swarm his mind. Even's come around to them, in a way. He finds them a fascinating thought, but he mostly enjoys just watching Isak get passionate about it. Listening to him talk about it for hours, his hands threading through Even's hair as Even lays on his chest.  
Isak's continuously made Even not think he's so alone anymore, especially when it comes to his mind.

Another sigh. Even shuts his eyes to the twinkling stars.  
He knows Isak didn't mean any of it. The building of the stress caused the burst. He should've paid more attention, took better care of his boy. He got so wrapped up in his own stress that it slipped passed him. Their relationship got to this point because of it.  
He knows Isak's stress is a greater magnitude than most people. That Isak stops caring about his health until that test or exam or paper is done. And the more important the paper is, the more stressed and anxiety Isak gets. And normally, they handle it together. Even having time to make sure Isak is getting taken care of until its over.  
But this time, their final projects collided, timewise. It sucked the life out of them, consumed them. It was like they didn't know a life outside of it.

His head snaps up.  
He will never allow that to happen again to them. Never will he let anything wedge itself between them, cause a rift in their relationship.  
They're better than that, than this.  
School is important to both of them, their budding careers within reach. And that matters, of course. But never again will he let some project take over his very being enough to where he can't even give his boyfriend a passing thought, sometimes while even in the same room.

Their future is important, yes. But Isak is more. More everything. His world. He would give it up if Isak ever asked, he would do anything.  
Isak is his entire life. Nothing matters more to him than that fact.

Nothing. Isak is a part of his soul.

Isak said those horrible words. And yes, it was painful to hear, still is. But this is what life is right? People say shit they don't mean, lovers purposely hurting the other. They need to talk, they need to listen. Even will forgive him. Isak will forgive Even. Because their love is more than this, its greater than words can describe.  
They're still growing together. Almost 4yrs on and still they learn about each other. Discovering new things. Relishing every moment.  
And Even loves him. He loves him and he'll never stop.

Nothing will make him stop.

Suddenly, Even's chest hurts. His breath becomes shallow. He needs Isak, needs to see him, hear him, feel him. Needs to pull him into his arms and never let go.

He stands up, and hears the voice he's longing for. "Even!"

\--

Isak comes to a halt, staring at Even as he stands in front of their bench across the courtyard.  
They both stare, Isak trying to catch his breath. Even's own chest rapidly rising and falling.

With a broken cry, Even shouts "Isak!" And bolts towards him.

"Even." Isak cries and runs the last 5 steps before they crash into one another. Isak buries his face in Even's neck, tears pouring out of his eyes as Even tightens his arms around him and pulls him closer. They're silent. Only the sound of their sniffs adding to the still of the night. 

Isak lets out a breath and pulls away slightly to face Even. "I'm so sorry, Even. I should have never said any of those things."

Even's own sigh comes out, "Isak, baby its okay-"

"No." Isak's voice is firm. "No. Its not. That was so fucked up of me. I don't even know why all of that came out." He takes a minor step away and runs a hand through his hair. "I dont...I...i'm sorry that these weeks have been shit. We've both been so on edge. I let that damn paper control me." He forces himself to meet Even's gaze. "I let it control me. I couldn't sleep; i barely ate. I was so anxious all the time..." He see's pain flit across Evens face but he continues. "I know you don't flirt with Lukas, I don't know why I said that. I think I saw you and him laughing that day I came to get coffee and my deprived mind played that up more than what i'm sure it was." He looks back down and fidgets with his hands. "And.." His throat scratches and he swallows. "I didn't mean anything I said about your bipolar. I was just so upset and pissed off because you didn't seem upset as I was and that made me MORE pissed." Isak takes a breath and looks back up, meeting those blue eyes. "Please believe me, Even. I don't think any of that. At all." He takes a half step forward. "You've NEVER hurt me when you're manic, okay? and I know you never will." Isak grabs Evens hand slowly, eyes not leaving his. "And I love the random artwork around our flat, it gives it character." Another breath. "I love you, Even. You. All of you. I want all of you, and everything that come's with having you."

Even's eyes are streaming and he blinks rapidly to clear them. Isak's words resonating through him. Replacing the hurt, cementing with love. He's sure his doubts and demons will never fully leave, but for now, they're back in their locked box in his mind.  
And Isak is here. Isak is fighting for them, for him. Loving him. 

Overwhelmed, Even reaches out and places his hand against Isak's neck, rubbing his thumb over his cheek, catching his tears. "Isak.." He murmurs.

Suddenly Isak's tears fall faster, his chest heaving. "Even, I..I...It's.. I can't breathe without you. When you left, it was like my heart stopped beating. I couldn't function. I couldn't see..I- You just left and I was terrified but..I had to come find you. I had to be with you, I couldn't.." He hesitates. "I couldn't let you just walk away " 

"Shhhh, baby" Even whispers, bringing his other hand up and cupping Isak's jaw. "Isak, listen to me. I would never walk away. Where would I go if you couldn't be there with me? How could I live without you next to me?" He tightens his grip on his boy. "This world holds nothing for me unless you're there, holding my hand, and I can see your face everyday." He leans in and touches their foreheads. "Why would I go anywhere else when I can be here with you? You're everything to me, Isak. I love you."

Isak reaches up and desperately grasps Evens wrists, holding, grounding. "I love you, Even. Fuck. I'm nothing without you." He leans forward and connects their lips in a searing kiss, a kiss in placement of not enough words to say. A kiss full of passion and love, of promise.

They break apart and Even rubs his nose against Isaks, eliciting a small smile from the younger boy. "Lets go home." 

\---

Even picks up their shattered picture frame, his face unreadable.

Isak can't stand it any longer. "I'm sorry I broke it. I didnt mean to throw it, I swear. I just got caught up in my head and-"

"It's okay, Isak." Evens voice is low, soothing. He places the tattered photo on their table before walking over to Isak sitting on their bed. "It needed a new frame anyway, and I'm absolutely positive Eskild still has the picture." 

"How do you know?" Isak wonders.

Even smiles and leans over to kiss his boyfriend before answering. "Because Its set as both of our caller ID's on his phone."

Isak rolls his eyes in pure fondness. "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Even chuckles before landing his eyes on the mess on the floor. "Should we clean up?"

"Lets do it tomorrow." Isak says, softly. "I need you."

Even lays down and pulls Isak to his chest, kissing his forehead. "I need you, too."

They make love slowly that night. Hands roaming skin; meant to caress, not to escalate.  
Even takes his time opening up Isak with Isak's hands not leaving Even's face and neck.  
As Even lines himself up, he intertwines their hands, pressing them on either side of Isaks head. Eyes unblinking, never breaking as Even gently pushes in.  
Soft whimpers and gasping breaths. Neither boy wants to shatter the spell.  
Even's pace never changes, his rhythm purpose is just to have them be connected, to feel.

It goes on for minutes, hours, days. Blue and green lost to each other, the love coursing through them, between them.

Even picks up the pace slightly, and tears roll down Isaks hairline as he tightens his grip on Even's hands. "Even." he softly sobs.

Leaning down, Even kisses him gently before raising back up slightly. "I'm here, Isak. I'm here." 

Isak nods, and gives him a smile. "And I'm here. Even. I'm always going to be here."

Even gives his hands a squeeze, his own smile spreading before quickly thrusting into Isak, both of them chasing that release. 

Isak came first, his mouth open in a silent scream, back arched and muscles straining. Even followed 3 thrusts after, with a gutteral moan and whimper.

Both boys are breathing heavily, eyes closed, foreheads pressed together.

"Isak." Even whispers, and he opens his eyes to see emeralds looking at him. "I know you're sorry, I know you didn't mean it. I forgive you."

Isak rips his sweaty hands from Even's and grips the back of his head, pulling him closer. "I don't deserve you." He murmurs.

"Hmm. That's where you're wrong." Even smiles at him. "And i share that same thought about you so I'm wrong as well."

"What do you mean?" Isak asks.

Even brings a hand and traces Isak's lips. "We don't deserve each other, but neither of us would give this up. We are more than enough for the other. You are a part of me as I am a part of you. Nothing can take away what we have."

Isak smiles. "Nothing."


End file.
